Author Archives: Josh Mark

About Josh Mark

Always looking in between the lines to find the inner truths and beauty, I feel blessed to live in a time of such wonderful promise. My story begin in Stamford, Connecticut and has taken me around the world to Jerusalem.

The Jewish Mind Five Reasons I Visit The Graves Of Holy People

Today, I had the opportunity to visit the grave of the Klausenberger Rebbe, Yekusiel Yehuda Halberstam, in Netanya. (You can read more about this amazing person here.) People often are a bit surprised by my visits to these graves. So friends and family, here are five reasons, that I, a fairly rational and well educated adult, schlep in the heat of the day, in the snow, rain, and once with an entire army escort to the graves of the righteous:

1. These visits connect me with the history of my people. In this connection, I forget about my own personal preoccupations and worries and am reminded of these big picture thinkers. The Klausenberger Rebbe lost everyone he loved to the hands of the Nazis. Yet he never faltered because he kept his eyes on the big picture: building and strengthening the Jewish people. His legacy is testimony that he had what it takes to get the job done. That’s the kind of power that I need to recharge myself with.

2. These holy sites bring me into contact with people who I might never see or meet otherwise. Let’s be honest here: those of us who go to grave sites are usually in a pretty raw state. We’re there because we’re in contact with life in it’s hard times. We want something special; perhaps God forbid, we’re up against a life threatening challenge. So when we speak with each other at the grave site, we really listen and speak from the heart. As someone whose profession requires me to be opaque, it’s nice to have a place where I can let it out and not be thought of as crazy or worse, ‘unprofessional’.

3. Call me crazy but I believe that there are special heavenly access points. Of course, prayer is heard wherever one utters it. There’s no need to schlep to Netanya or to Cambria Boulevard in Queens or to some way out village in Samaria to get one’s prayer heard. Yet I know unscientifically that there are places where prayer has greater power. A marriage ceremony is one such access point. A bris is another access point. The grave site of a holy person is another. Perhaps it’s my own strengthening of faith and commitment that ‘energizes’ the prayer; perhaps it’s some mystical dimension that is way beyond my comprehension; perhaps it’s a combination of things. Who knows? Yet I feel that, akin to hitting a baseball with an aluminum bat, there’s something special to praying at these grave sites.

4. It’s my way of sticking my thumb at the tyranny of rationalism. This isn’t meant as an endorsement of paganism but I’m a bit tired of the hyper rationality of contemporary orthodox Jewish life. We’ve gotten so cerebral and logical that aside from turning our intellects into supreme beings, we’ve gutted the rapture and joy of pure spirit. So I go to to these grave sites to disconnect from that. Do I pray to the dead? Of course not! But I do embrace the possibility so eloquently stated by the Arthur C. Clark (he wrote 2001: A Space Odyssey among many other books), ‘the universe is stranger than we imagine; indeed it is stranger than we can imagine’.

5. Cemeteries are usually beautiful, quiet places. What’s not to love about a nice place to sit?

And here’s a bonus reason for visiting the graves of the righteous: Judaism recommends it. From Caleb’s visit to the tomb of the patriarchs all the way to the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s a’h weekly visits to the grave of his ancestors, good old Judaism, the one which has endured all these years, puts great emphasis on visiting the graves of the righteous.

So in the merit of all the holy ones, both living and passed, may we all have a wonderful new year.

The Cognitive Parent Sending Your Children Off To Israel Part I

 

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With Rosh Chodesh Elul a little over a week away, many of you are getting your sons and daughters ready for their year in Israel. How exciting! Their year abroad in Israel will be the biggest step towards adulthood that they’ll ever have taken.

May it only continue with much success!

Still, it’s normal to feel a bit of apprehension. All the endless blood, sweat, and tears that you’ve invested in them from day one will now be tested as never before.

Will they make good choices?

Will they be able get themselves out of the jams of independent adulthood without you being there?

Will this be a year of growth and development?

Rest assured that the schools you and your children have chosen will help them along. Hopefully, their friends will form a network that brings out the best in their year in Israel. And of course, despite the physical distance, you’ll be there for them in spirit as well as through the phone and email.

As a teacher as well as the address to whom yeshiva and seminary students turn when they run into trouble, here are a couple of tips which I’ve ‘collected’ over the years.

Be ready for homesickness. No matter how many summers your children have spent at summer camp, they‘re bound to feel homesick. Being separated from you for Rosh Hashana will be a gigantic shock for your child and for your whole family. It’s at these moments that you and your child need to hear words of encouragement: that you’re proud of them for devoting themselves to their studies and to their personal spiritual growth; that you appreciate their sacrifice all the more because it’s not easy.

Be upfront with them about your expectations of them. Tell them that you want them to grow and learn and to develop. Communicate to them that you expect them to come up with their own goals. They are no longer in high school where teachers set the standards. The direction of their lives is now in their hands. 

Davening With Fire 005 Santa Claus & Jewish Prayer

Cats Eye Nebula From Hubble

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It all seems so many years ago. Do you remember Bloomingdale’s? What a great store! Back in the day, before the malls and all those Amazon websites, there were department stores, huge edifices where you could find almost anything you were looking for.

In Stamford, Connecticut, Bloomingdale’s ruled supreme, with its escalators and bustle and row after row of stuff. The fun of the place almost made me forget how much I hated being schlepped around a store.

But towering over every awesome part of Bloomingdale’s was Santa Claus. Santa Claus! The god of everything a child could ever want. Santa, the guy who would take me on his lap, listen to my wish list as only Santa Claus could, and then give me a candy cane. 

In spite of my orthodox Jewish ways and the pretty much accepted consensus that Santa isn’t real, I still smile when I recall those days. In a way, that entire seasonal ritual teaches me two lessons about faith and prayer that guide me to this day. 

The first lesson is that faith that’s based on a Santa Claus kind of deity is bound to fail. In the decades which I’ve spent engrossed in faith, it seems that so many are holding out for a god that does everything they want. ‘If God existed then he (it’s always a ‘he’) would do such and such’ or ‘If God existed then how could he let the holocaust happen?’ It seems that these often highly sophisticated and educated people still believe in Santa. I don’t know much about God but I expect a lot more from humanity. 

The second lesson is about prayer and wishing. As great as it is to wish (and it really is) it’s so often expresses of my self-centered, power or comfort driven desires. Prayer however is about personal transformation. Prayer may begin with a wish but for me it’s a process that ends with a new me. Whether or not I get what I want is besides the point; the real part of prayer is the person I become through it. 

If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others. You can see earlier posts here. And of course, please sign up to receive future posts. 

Josh

Davening WIth Fire 004 Wild & Untamed…The Beginning of Prayer

If you're the smartest person in the room

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So if prayer is to be a wild, untamed expression of our deepest longings why all the rules?

Why pray at certain times?

Why all the restrictions about what to wear or what words to say or in what direction to face?

Why not give the natural human inclination to pray full expression?

The truth is that in spite of what you were taught in day school or cheder, much of that spontaneity is allowed and even encouraged.

Here are the words of the Rambam (Maimonides) at the beginning of the laws of Tefilla (Mishnah Torah 1:1):

…There is no Biblical minimum of prayers…There is no Biblical text for prayer…nor is there a fixed time for for prayer mandated by the Torah.

Yet in spite of such flexibility, present day practice of Jewish prayer is quite different. It’s regimented and rigid, and is often sadly hijacked by misconceptions and authority figures who have no idea what the essence of prayer is.

This sad state was already known anonymous Talmudic sage who sadly observed that people fail to comprehend the depths of prayer (Talmud, Brachot 6b). 

What the rules are intended to do however is to transform my prayer into a powerful act of rebellion and mastery.

 

And that’s where we’ll pick up in the next post. 

 

Davening With Fire 003 Wild Within The Rules

Rock Bottom

 

The rules of prayer cover hundreds of chapters in the Shulchan Aruch, the most embraced code of Jewish law. It seems strange though that prayer should be so highly regulated and regimented. After all, prayer is all about heart felt expression, something that would be at odds with rules and structure.

Before apologizing and advocating for those rules however, I do want to recommend that by all means pray.

Whatever method suits you.

With the rules.

Without the rules.

Pray wherever you are.

Dressed.

Not dressed.

In a bar (or worse).

In a synagogue.

In jail.

In a meeting.

How Ever.

Whatever.

Wherever.

To whomever.

For whatever.

Just pray. 

We can worry about the details later.

Davening With Fire 002 The Real ‘Star Trek’ Transporter Machine

Mary Oliver I Go Down To The SeaAs a kid growing up in the 1960’s, Star Trek was a major fixture in life. That simple, elegant T.V. show opened so many avenues for thought and reflection. The characters and the story lines got me to think about life and morality and so much else

But it was those cool gadgets which ignited my fantasies. 

Chief among those gadgets was the transporter, a device which could beam a person or object to any destination at the speed of light. No waiting in lines. No security searches. No lost luggage. All that was needed was someone to operate the transporter. 

While such a transporter system is a long way off, I’ve discovered how the siddur, that simple book or prayers, can deliver me to other worlds and times and all in the speed of thought. To hold a siddur, whether it be ripped and worn or freshly purchased, is to hold Jewish destiny in my hands. To hold a siddur is to hold the same words that Maimonides and Rashi and all the holy ones of our people held. The paper and print may be different; many of the words themselves have been added or even changed (here and there) but the essence remains the same as it was thousands of years ago. 

So when life gets me down and worries pile high, high, high, I don’t say, ‘Beam me up, Scotty’. I pick up a siddur and suddenly I’m in the best of company: with those who’ve been there and done that in the best and worst of times and gave us all an eternal legacy which sustains and heals us. 

Shabbat Shalom everyone!

Davening With Fire 001 Natan Sharansky & The Power Of Tehillim

I believe in the person I want to become

 

 

A story about Natan Sharansky, the former prisoner of conscience and tireless fighter for the Jewish people, recently made the local rounds. Someone spotted him doing a bit of pre-Shabbat shopping. Thrilled by the opportunity to be in close proximity to one of our present day heroes, this overwhelmed gushing observer could think of only question to ask Sharansky, ‘do you still carry the book of Psalms that Avital gave you when you were sent to Siberia?!’ With that, Sharansky revealed a tiny well worn book, held together by string and tape, and replied, ‘I don’t carry it; it carries me!’

Now that’s something I can relate to! Our eyes and minds trick us into believing that the material world rules us; yet, it’s the ideas which we hold dear that give us life. Our aspirations and longings lift us. And when the ideas are drawn from the book of Psalms (Tehillim) or the Siddur (Jewish prayer book) then those ideas can sustain a life in the Gulag or Siberia or the Nazi death camps or in the great spiritual depression of our time. 

 

The Cognitive Parent Shabbat Chazon The Vision Thing

how success is built

 

This Shabbat is called Shabbat Chazon because of the first word of the Haftorah which we read in shul. You can read more about that here. The word ‘Chazon’ means vision. While the Haforah refers to the prophetic visions that foretold the exile of the Jewish people (and their return), the word ‘vision’ triggers a recollection from years ago:

Many of us remember the 1992 presidential campaign in which Bill Clinton handily defeated incumbent president, George Bush. Clinton, a master of spin and communication, introduced a slogan that would do great damage to Bush’s chances of victory. The slogan?

‘It’s a vision thing’. 

In other words, in spite of Clinton’s terrible baggage of scandal and incompetence, Clinton convinced enough Americans that Bush lacked a vision for a better America. 

It was a brilliant tactic for one simple reason: visions mean the difference between life and death to us. 

And that’s why all of our obligations to our children must flow from the vision that we have for them and for ourselves. All our urging, cajoling. yelling, bribing and so on, must be rooted in a vision that we have for them. If we’re smart we’ll make that vision positive and uplifting, one that is rooted in the promise of a beautiful future for themselves and for all of humanity. 

So, on this Shabbat, lets tell our kids the Jewish vision: the future is bright; our success is assured. All that’s required are baby steps of self improvement and the knowledge that we’re in the best of hands.

Shabbat Shalom to all! 

Stinky & Smelly In Jerusalem…and loving it!

Getting dressed this morning, I noticed my reflection in the mirror.

‘Man! You’re Ugly!’, I blurted out to myself.

Now just be sure, we’re on day five of the nine days: that means no shaving, no haircuts, almost no laundry, and bathing restrictions. And we’re in Jerusalem, where it’s sunny and hot. As one of my sisters would put it delicately, ‘Josh, you’re a bit ripe’.

But as I reflected on the unkemptness of my appearance and how gross it feels to be wearing re-runs, I realized the deeper meaning of the Galut exile and the promise of Geula redemption.

For me, the fundamental truth of life is that my eyes deceive me all of the time. My default setting is to judge a book by it’s cover. To come to sweeping conclusions and lifelong decisions based entirely on superficialities and half-stories. I’m the original sucker. 

That’s the source of my misery. It’s also probably the source of your misery.

Judaism was the answer for me because it teaches me that a deeper story lies beneath and that story is a good story; in fact, it’s the greatest story ever told because it’s the story of the universe. Judaism offers me a personal redemption because it brings me into the flow of truth at it’s deepest levels.

Of course, realizations like that are never forever. Like an ‘iffy’ cell signal; sometimes I’m connected and sometimes I’m not. This Galut exile was the epic loss of connection with truth; we totally fell for all the delusions of externalities, circumstances, and impulse. The promised Geula redemption will come about when we, as a people, will return to our roots as the radical truth seekers that we once were and always will be.

All of this is brought home to me by my self imposed temporary ugliness and smelliness. I know that the stench and ‘grodiness’ (one of my kid’s words) is external to my true essence; underneath, just like you, I’m beautiful and really don’t smell like the men’s bathroom at the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop on the New Jersey Turnpike. But sometimes I’ve gotta embrace the false externals of apperance and sensory experience so that next week, the clean clothes, the luxorious hot showers, the shave and haircut will bring me to back to the truth of who I really am.

And I can’t wait!

The Cognitive Parent: Parshat Matot-Maasay & Teaching Boundaries

We all want the best for our children. We want them to grow into adulthood filled with happiness, health, and accomplishment. 

To do that we must teach them about boundaries. 

That’s the lesson we learn in this week’s parsha when we read about the boundaries of the Land Of Israel (you can read about them here http://goo.gl/VfjGZr). 

The Land Of Israel is a magical place; when we follow the rules the Land yields unparalleled treasures. This mysterious power however only exists within the boundaries set by God. Inside those boundaries: boundless potential. Outside those boundaries: nothing special. 

The same applies to each of us: within the boundaries of self respect and decency we can access our potential. If we violate our boundaries or violate the boundaries of others we fritter away our power. 

​So how do we teach our children boundaries? Here are a few ways that have worked for me:

1) Teach right from wrong and live it! Life is complex. Each of us needs to know ​what’s in and what’s out. Our kids need to know that too. As their parents, we are their most important teachers. 

2) Teach them that it’s okay to say no. If there is anything that the Facebook generation needs to know is that ‘no’ is a good thing. While we all grew up with social pressure, kids today seem to be under so much more. That’s why they need you to tell them that they can say no to unwanted requests for friendships and activities that violate their values and goals. They need to know that they can turn to you for support especially when their no is met with derision.

3) Walk the walk but with compassion. Our kids look to us for examples of how to live their lives. We are their most important living teachers. So when our kids observe us setting boundaries they see how to live. But it’s also vital to teach with compassion: when we angrily set limits with our kids they feel rejected, When we set those same limits out of compassion (such as by saying, ‘I love you too much to let you do that’) they may not thank us right then but they will know that we love them and expect them to grow into strong, upstanding people. 

That’s it for now! Shabbat Shalom!

Josh

Rabbi Dr. Josh Mark, PhD is a psychologist and psychotherapist in Jerusalem with 24 years experience. He specializes in cognitive therapy and works extensively with teens and young adults on difficulties with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictions, psychological trauma, and interpersonal conflict. He has written extensively on recovery from depression and borderline personality disorder. He is licensed in the State Of Israel. You can read more about him and his work at his website, jewishmind.org.