Until now, we’ve been discussing clients who have difficulty communicating their inner experiences with us. Their inability could be stem from an innaccesible inner world. It could also be due to their lack of verbal language that allows them to communicate their inner world and feelings to us. We’ll put them aside for now so that we can focus on those who’re unable to speak because of ‘political’ considerations. 

Of course, when we speak of political consideration we’re not speaking of elections and primaries. We’re speaking of what is allowed for each individual members of a social grouping. All groups, whether they are marriages, friendships, or work relationships, have rules which limit and shape autonomy and expression. In some relationships, the cost of membership is silence.

‘So why do they come for treatment?’, I hear you asking. There are many reasons. Among them: Clients may come for other, ‘acceptable’ reasons which don’t threaten the rules of the relationship. In other cases, the ‘symptoms’ have become so extreme that the rules no longer seem to apply. For others, a downward spiral of connections with fringe groups and gangs allow them to break out of the control of their primary social group.

Regardless of how they arrive for treatment, group loyalty runs deep. These clients are ambivalent about violating social taboos. We can respond with wisdom and caring as we make our way through various minefields strewn before us.

More on that tomorrow.

Shavua Tov!

For many, proxies and doubles become ‘experiencers’ and spokesmen. Certainly, these proxies can do nothing to satisy the basic human need for authentic expression and to deeply experience life in all of its riches.

We turn to doubles and proxies when we feel as though we have no words or our shame leads us to the presumption that our words and actions are not ‘liked’. Granted, that speech is a dialectic of mimicry and improvisation. A baby must mimic; he says ‘mama’ or ‘dada’ simply because he lacks a vocabulary. As soon as a utters those words, he suddenly and joyfully finds a new world of communication opens to him. The hope, of course, is that such mimicry will serve only as a kind of artificial ‘scaffolding’ through which he is able to create and improvise his own personal experience.

The tragedy occurs when the child or the teenager or the adult is silenced; he1 is too ashamed to open his mouth. For him, there is no acceptable place for his words; it makes no difference whether this conclusion is justified or not. He finds some relief in others, fantasizing that they will speak for him. He chooses strong, well spoken, influential, charismatic, and multi-talented characters (Harry Potter, for instance) who he fantasizes speak the words that need to be spoken and do the deeds that need to be done; words and deeds that he believes he lacks.

The relationship that ‘happens’ in psychotherapy is THE place for another chance; a chance to open his mouth, to be encouraged, to be guided and supported, and validated so that that stifled voice becomes a sweet, mighty part of cosmic celebration.  

Shabbat Shalom Gut Shabbos to all!

Josh

1 Please excuse the exclusive use of the male gender. After some experimentation with various gender inclusive writing techniques, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are simply too wordy. No gender bias is intended.