Author Archives: Josh Mark

About Josh Mark

Always looking in between the lines to find the inner truths and beauty, I feel blessed to live in a time of such wonderful promise. My story begin in Stamford, Connecticut and has taken me around the world to Jerusalem.

Davening With Fire 005 Santa Claus & Jewish Prayer

Cats Eye Nebula From Hubble

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It all seems so many years ago. Do you remember Bloomingdale’s? What a great store! Back in the day, before the malls and all those Amazon websites, there were department stores, huge edifices where you could find almost anything you were looking for.

In Stamford, Connecticut, Bloomingdale’s ruled supreme, with its escalators and bustle and row after row of stuff. The fun of the place almost made me forget how much I hated being schlepped around a store.

But towering over every awesome part of Bloomingdale’s was Santa Claus. Santa Claus! The god of everything a child could ever want. Santa, the guy who would take me on his lap, listen to my wish list as only Santa Claus could, and then give me a candy cane. 

In spite of my orthodox Jewish ways and the pretty much accepted consensus that Santa isn’t real, I still smile when I recall those days. In a way, that entire seasonal ritual teaches me two lessons about faith and prayer that guide me to this day. 

The first lesson is that faith that’s based on a Santa Claus kind of deity is bound to fail. In the decades which I’ve spent engrossed in faith, it seems that so many are holding out for a god that does everything they want. ‘If God existed then he (it’s always a ‘he’) would do such and such’ or ‘If God existed then how could he let the holocaust happen?’ It seems that these often highly sophisticated and educated people still believe in Santa. I don’t know much about God but I expect a lot more from humanity. 

The second lesson is about prayer and wishing. As great as it is to wish (and it really is) it’s so often expresses of my self-centered, power or comfort driven desires. Prayer however is about personal transformation. Prayer may begin with a wish but for me it’s a process that ends with a new me. Whether or not I get what I want is besides the point; the real part of prayer is the person I become through it. 

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Josh

Davening WIth Fire 004 Wild & Untamed…The Beginning of Prayer

If you're the smartest person in the room

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So if prayer is to be a wild, untamed expression of our deepest longings why all the rules?

Why pray at certain times?

Why all the restrictions about what to wear or what words to say or in what direction to face?

Why not give the natural human inclination to pray full expression?

The truth is that in spite of what you were taught in day school or cheder, much of that spontaneity is allowed and even encouraged.

Here are the words of the Rambam (Maimonides) at the beginning of the laws of Tefilla (Mishnah Torah 1:1):

…There is no Biblical minimum of prayers…There is no Biblical text for prayer…nor is there a fixed time for for prayer mandated by the Torah.

Yet in spite of such flexibility, present day practice of Jewish prayer is quite different. It’s regimented and rigid, and is often sadly hijacked by misconceptions and authority figures who have no idea what the essence of prayer is.

This sad state was already known anonymous Talmudic sage who sadly observed that people fail to comprehend the depths of prayer (Talmud, Brachot 6b). 

What the rules are intended to do however is to transform my prayer into a powerful act of rebellion and mastery.

 

And that’s where we’ll pick up in the next post. 

 

Davening With Fire 003 Wild Within The Rules

Rock Bottom

 

The rules of prayer cover hundreds of chapters in the Shulchan Aruch, the most embraced code of Jewish law. It seems strange though that prayer should be so highly regulated and regimented. After all, prayer is all about heart felt expression, something that would be at odds with rules and structure.

Before apologizing and advocating for those rules however, I do want to recommend that by all means pray.

Whatever method suits you.

With the rules.

Without the rules.

Pray wherever you are.

Dressed.

Not dressed.

In a bar (or worse).

In a synagogue.

In jail.

In a meeting.

How Ever.

Whatever.

Wherever.

To whomever.

For whatever.

Just pray. 

We can worry about the details later.

Davening With Fire 002 The Real ‘Star Trek’ Transporter Machine

Mary Oliver I Go Down To The SeaAs a kid growing up in the 1960’s, Star Trek was a major fixture in life. That simple, elegant T.V. show opened so many avenues for thought and reflection. The characters and the story lines got me to think about life and morality and so much else

But it was those cool gadgets which ignited my fantasies. 

Chief among those gadgets was the transporter, a device which could beam a person or object to any destination at the speed of light. No waiting in lines. No security searches. No lost luggage. All that was needed was someone to operate the transporter. 

While such a transporter system is a long way off, I’ve discovered how the siddur, that simple book or prayers, can deliver me to other worlds and times and all in the speed of thought. To hold a siddur, whether it be ripped and worn or freshly purchased, is to hold Jewish destiny in my hands. To hold a siddur is to hold the same words that Maimonides and Rashi and all the holy ones of our people held. The paper and print may be different; many of the words themselves have been added or even changed (here and there) but the essence remains the same as it was thousands of years ago. 

So when life gets me down and worries pile high, high, high, I don’t say, ‘Beam me up, Scotty’. I pick up a siddur and suddenly I’m in the best of company: with those who’ve been there and done that in the best and worst of times and gave us all an eternal legacy which sustains and heals us. 

Shabbat Shalom everyone!

Davening With Fire 001 Natan Sharansky & The Power Of Tehillim

I believe in the person I want to become

 

 

A story about Natan Sharansky, the former prisoner of conscience and tireless fighter for the Jewish people, recently made the local rounds. Someone spotted him doing a bit of pre-Shabbat shopping. Thrilled by the opportunity to be in close proximity to one of our present day heroes, this overwhelmed gushing observer could think of only question to ask Sharansky, ‘do you still carry the book of Psalms that Avital gave you when you were sent to Siberia?!’ With that, Sharansky revealed a tiny well worn book, held together by string and tape, and replied, ‘I don’t carry it; it carries me!’

Now that’s something I can relate to! Our eyes and minds trick us into believing that the material world rules us; yet, it’s the ideas which we hold dear that give us life. Our aspirations and longings lift us. And when the ideas are drawn from the book of Psalms (Tehillim) or the Siddur (Jewish prayer book) then those ideas can sustain a life in the Gulag or Siberia or the Nazi death camps or in the great spiritual depression of our time. 

 

The Cognitive Parent Shabbat Chazon The Vision Thing

how success is built

 

This Shabbat is called Shabbat Chazon because of the first word of the Haftorah which we read in shul. You can read more about that here. The word ‘Chazon’ means vision. While the Haforah refers to the prophetic visions that foretold the exile of the Jewish people (and their return), the word ‘vision’ triggers a recollection from years ago:

Many of us remember the 1992 presidential campaign in which Bill Clinton handily defeated incumbent president, George Bush. Clinton, a master of spin and communication, introduced a slogan that would do great damage to Bush’s chances of victory. The slogan?

‘It’s a vision thing’. 

In other words, in spite of Clinton’s terrible baggage of scandal and incompetence, Clinton convinced enough Americans that Bush lacked a vision for a better America. 

It was a brilliant tactic for one simple reason: visions mean the difference between life and death to us. 

And that’s why all of our obligations to our children must flow from the vision that we have for them and for ourselves. All our urging, cajoling. yelling, bribing and so on, must be rooted in a vision that we have for them. If we’re smart we’ll make that vision positive and uplifting, one that is rooted in the promise of a beautiful future for themselves and for all of humanity. 

So, on this Shabbat, lets tell our kids the Jewish vision: the future is bright; our success is assured. All that’s required are baby steps of self improvement and the knowledge that we’re in the best of hands.

Shabbat Shalom to all! 

Stinky & Smelly In Jerusalem…and loving it!

Getting dressed this morning, I noticed my reflection in the mirror.

‘Man! You’re Ugly!’, I blurted out to myself.

Now just be sure, we’re on day five of the nine days: that means no shaving, no haircuts, almost no laundry, and bathing restrictions. And we’re in Jerusalem, where it’s sunny and hot. As one of my sisters would put it delicately, ‘Josh, you’re a bit ripe’.

But as I reflected on the unkemptness of my appearance and how gross it feels to be wearing re-runs, I realized the deeper meaning of the Galut exile and the promise of Geula redemption.

For me, the fundamental truth of life is that my eyes deceive me all of the time. My default setting is to judge a book by it’s cover. To come to sweeping conclusions and lifelong decisions based entirely on superficialities and half-stories. I’m the original sucker. 

That’s the source of my misery. It’s also probably the source of your misery.

Judaism was the answer for me because it teaches me that a deeper story lies beneath and that story is a good story; in fact, it’s the greatest story ever told because it’s the story of the universe. Judaism offers me a personal redemption because it brings me into the flow of truth at it’s deepest levels.

Of course, realizations like that are never forever. Like an ‘iffy’ cell signal; sometimes I’m connected and sometimes I’m not. This Galut exile was the epic loss of connection with truth; we totally fell for all the delusions of externalities, circumstances, and impulse. The promised Geula redemption will come about when we, as a people, will return to our roots as the radical truth seekers that we once were and always will be.

All of this is brought home to me by my self imposed temporary ugliness and smelliness. I know that the stench and ‘grodiness’ (one of my kid’s words) is external to my true essence; underneath, just like you, I’m beautiful and really don’t smell like the men’s bathroom at the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop on the New Jersey Turnpike. But sometimes I’ve gotta embrace the false externals of apperance and sensory experience so that next week, the clean clothes, the luxorious hot showers, the shave and haircut will bring me to back to the truth of who I really am.

And I can’t wait!

The Cognitive Parent: Parshat Matot-Maasay & Teaching Boundaries

We all want the best for our children. We want them to grow into adulthood filled with happiness, health, and accomplishment. 

To do that we must teach them about boundaries. 

That’s the lesson we learn in this week’s parsha when we read about the boundaries of the Land Of Israel (you can read about them here http://goo.gl/VfjGZr). 

The Land Of Israel is a magical place; when we follow the rules the Land yields unparalleled treasures. This mysterious power however only exists within the boundaries set by God. Inside those boundaries: boundless potential. Outside those boundaries: nothing special. 

The same applies to each of us: within the boundaries of self respect and decency we can access our potential. If we violate our boundaries or violate the boundaries of others we fritter away our power. 

​So how do we teach our children boundaries? Here are a few ways that have worked for me:

1) Teach right from wrong and live it! Life is complex. Each of us needs to know ​what’s in and what’s out. Our kids need to know that too. As their parents, we are their most important teachers. 

2) Teach them that it’s okay to say no. If there is anything that the Facebook generation needs to know is that ‘no’ is a good thing. While we all grew up with social pressure, kids today seem to be under so much more. That’s why they need you to tell them that they can say no to unwanted requests for friendships and activities that violate their values and goals. They need to know that they can turn to you for support especially when their no is met with derision.

3) Walk the walk but with compassion. Our kids look to us for examples of how to live their lives. We are their most important living teachers. So when our kids observe us setting boundaries they see how to live. But it’s also vital to teach with compassion: when we angrily set limits with our kids they feel rejected, When we set those same limits out of compassion (such as by saying, ‘I love you too much to let you do that’) they may not thank us right then but they will know that we love them and expect them to grow into strong, upstanding people. 

That’s it for now! Shabbat Shalom!

Josh

Rabbi Dr. Josh Mark, PhD is a psychologist and psychotherapist in Jerusalem with 24 years experience. He specializes in cognitive therapy and works extensively with teens and young adults on difficulties with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictions, psychological trauma, and interpersonal conflict. He has written extensively on recovery from depression and borderline personality disorder. He is licensed in the State Of Israel. You can read more about him and his work at his website, jewishmind.org. 

 

Cognitive Pearl #098 Suicide & Hope

Einstein It's A Miracle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A client asked me if I was worried that he might commit suicide.

Wow. That’s a question that I don’t get asked everyday. As loaded as the question was however I felt it was important to give the answer. Not ‘an’ answer.

The answer.

‘Actually, I am a bit worried that you might suicide but I’m more worried that you’ll miss an opportunity which lays before you.’

Now it was his turn to be caught off-guard.

So I explained that as I saw it, he was dealing with some terrifying issues. These were issues (relating to family obligations) that he was finally taking on in a manner that offered the best chance of his coming out the other side. The size of the prize makes the journey fraught with danger, suicide being a small risk compared with the bigger risk of bailing out of the process. In the meantime we would continue to work the process and in the vernacular of my youth, let the chips fall where they may.

Content with my explanation he left a few minutes later when our session was over. The after-image as he left: determination and confidence.

Suicidality has fascinated me since entering the profession. It’s struck me that overall, all of the holy trinity of professions (psychiatry, social work, and psychology) seem to be quite confused by the whole topic. Whether it’s predicting suicidality or what to do to prevent it, professional consensus remains elusive. Societal expectation that somehow we soothsayers of the human mind should ‘know’ who kills himself and who doesn’t even more ironic.

For me however suicidality goes to the heart of my approach to cognitive therapy. And that’s the topic I’ll be fleshing out in the coming posts.

Cognitive Pearl #097 Returning The Crown: Mastery & Redemption

If I make you breakfast

 

It’s been so many years yet the wisp of a lyric of a Sheryl Crow song still rings in my mind:

“I’m a stranger in my whole life”

That’s a sentiment that our clients can relate to. Rooted as they are in pain and shame and in the impossibleness of their individual situation they are strangers in their own lives. They are the masters of nothing; the pawns of nearly everything.

It’s hard not to think of this terrible state as we enter into the Nine days prior to Tisha B’Av (you can read about that here). These Nine days sweep us all into the vortex of pain caused when our fears rebelled and ruled over our faith. The terrible report of the spies, the destruction of the Temples in Jerusalem, and all the rest were symptoms of the real problem; we fell to our knees, bowing down to our own abject terror. 

And we’ve been trying to stand up ever since. 

The work of redemption and healing, whether it’s for our clients, ourselves, our nation, or the world, is returning the crown to where it belongs: clear thought. Only clarity of thought and the joyous transcendence which flows from it offers us the possibility of coming home to ourselves.